Must We Return to the Eighties?

On my recent trip to Easton with my comrads Cassie and Rita, I became aware of an alarming issue: Eighties fashions have returned. With a Vengence. The puffy sleeves, the pants cinched at the bottom, and even these belts. These belts were on sale at JCrew. In the ladies section. Not the children's section. The LADIES section. Cassie commented that JCrew is maliciously taking advantage of our childhoods. All of the things that our parents wouldn't buy for us as children are now waved in front of our faces, ripe for the picking. But tell me, guys, if you are out there, would you find a girl wearing a whale print belt sexy?

I had this very belt when I was a kid (my belly was much smaller then). THIS VERY BELT! As a...ahem...29-year-old woman, I cannot imagine the appropriate context in which I would wear this belt again.
As for the rest of the eighties fashions, I say this: I will fight whole-heartedly against the exit of bootcut, lowrise pants. I will write my congressmen to prevent the full-fledged acceptance of puffy sleeves. I will picket the White House against the prolific wearing of pegged jeans! And I will not, under any circumstances wear a button-down shirt untucked with an enormous belt over the top!! Can we not learn from history?!